Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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