I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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