oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
