mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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