I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
