Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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