he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
