Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
