I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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