i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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