NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
