Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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