I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
