And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
