you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
