I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
