I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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