Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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