I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
