My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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