Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
