I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
