Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
