I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She even gives head with a lisp.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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