What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
