you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
