I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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