the condom got lost in my hair
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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