$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
