What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
