I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
