Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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