we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
