on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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