he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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