She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
