babies were throwing up all over the place
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
