Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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