When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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