I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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