i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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