apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
