I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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