I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
