My liver just broke up with me...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
