What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
