My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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