Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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