Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
