he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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