Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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