That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
