If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
