If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
