Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
