I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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