it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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