So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The adults are the big ones right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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