After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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