the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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