Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
