I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
