She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
