we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
