If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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