Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize