I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
