at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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